Memo from JB: Hager Family Vacation

Help needed: inadequate pay but plenty of Bloody Marys.

By JB Hager, Photo by Rudy Arocha

I am seriously considering lining up an additional mom/wife for our next family vacation. Perhaps I should run an ad.

“Additional mother/wife needed to join us on our family vacation. Can you pack/unpack/organize and meet deadlines without input from the actual parents? Can you deal with nagging, rude brats with last-minute requests or the urge to slap people? Pay is inadequate. Try to see the world along with us. Underappreciated summer job that probably won’t go on your resume.”

The reason I bring this up is that I have seen that my wife, the mother of my child, gets horribly robbed on the true value of what a vacation should offer. It should be a time to relax, enjoy family and see the world. The minutiae and logistics of the trip bog her down so heavily before, during and after, I can tell it isn’t as fun as it’s supposed to be. My fear is that it is the same for most mothers out there. When we take a vacation, I speculate that this is what my wife is worried about:

· Are the dogs boarded?

· Are the dogs’ shots up to date so they can be boarded?

· Do I have everyone’s passport?

· Are everyone’s essential prescriptions up to date and packed?

· Do I have the plants and small critters covered?

· Have I thought of every type of attire needed for myself and my child? Dress, casual, swim, snow gear, ugh.

· Have I packed small versions of all the toiletries?

· Is the hotel confirmed?

· Do we have a rental car?

· Did I get enough cash?

· Are the cellphones set for international call/data?

· Did I call the credit cards about currency fees?

· Are everyone’s iPads/phones/cables charged and packed?

· Did I pack snacks?

· Got to get everyone to bed. It’s a long day tomorrow.

· Got to get everyone up. All were up way too late.

· Hotel breakfast ends in 30 minutes and no one is up.

· Are the tickets purchased for the theme park/tour/train?

· Everyone is hungry. Why didn’t they eat when I told them to?

· I told you to put on sunblock.

· Honey, I think you’ve had enough to drink.

· We have to pack. We’re leaving early in the morning.

· One more sweep through the hotel to see what’s missing.

· I don’t know where Fluffy Bear is. Where did you leave him?

· Are we going to check out of the hotel in time?

· How much time is needed to get back to the airport?

· I have no idea why my bag is heavier than 50 pounds. Let’s just pay the fee.

This is what I worry about:

· Is it too early for a Bloody Mary?

In my mind, if she just had a Bloody Mary too, everything would be fine. Then, of course, no one would ever make it anywhere.

As I reflect on my own childhood and family summer vacations, it totally makes sense why my sisters and I were dropped off with relatives we barely knew. It explains why there were so many wonderful slideshows of our parents on vacation, smiling and jet-setting throughout the world. Our parents were either smarter or there was a lot less guilt back then. Perhaps both.

In preparation for our next vacation, I think I will have a Bloody Mary and then write that ad: additional wife/mother needed for family vacation.