Memo From JB: Coming Together While Staying Alone

My itineraries for the perfect Austin staycations.

By JB Hager, Photo by Rudy Arocha

I write to you on the very week of my 17th wedding anniversary. I kid you not, on my anniversary, my wife and 13-year-old daughter will be landing back in Austin at 10:30 p.m. from a trip. At 7 a.m. the following morning, I’ll be driving to San Antonio to complete my 2014 taxes. That’s the reality of life, marriage and family after 17 years. It doesn’t mean that love is lost; it just changes and so has the mentality of our vacations.

When we first got together, prior to children, we were all about the beach vacation. We would be somewhere in Mexico drinking blended bananas out of fish bowls at a place called Señor Frog’s, Gringo Locos or something to that effect. Those usually ended with hangovers that made us pray and make promises like we never had before, just to feel better again.

Then the family life started and vacations shifted to Disney, Sea World or Legoland. If you didn’t leave with 50 stuffed animals, it was a complete loss.

Then followed a series of, as my wife would call them, “once-in-alifetime trips.” These were with friends who could afford much more than us, eating and drinking beyond our means and coming home feeling inadequate for not being able to afford to do that more often. We tried Europe. I would want to see the war monuments, and she would want to stop every 15 minutes for pretzels or chocolate.

This leads us to today, parents of a teenager in vacation no-man’s land. We are not yet empty-nesters traveling with other adults, wife swapping and swinging on cruise ships, but perhaps that day will come.

My wife and I have had a successful marriage because we are typically on the same page with most things. However, when it comes to vacations, we can’t agree. I get it: Being a mother of a demanding 13-year-old is brutal. She wants a beach, a book, her toes in the sand and to be far away from home; the farther, the better. I have crazy work hours and I’m not happy about the cost of vacations, so I just want to be the king of my castle and do nothing. Home is my happy place.

I believe I have come up with the perfect staycation itineraries in Austin that will accommodate both our needs.

Staycation for me: Sleep until noon. Remain in pajama pants all day. Admire my empty house. Pound my chest. Blare music from decades past. Do shots of tequila by tapping my glass on the dog’s nose for “Cheers.” Pressure wash something or work on the car/motorcycle/lawn. Watch a documentary. Meet up with the wife for a nice dinner and some lovin’. Read. Go to bed.

Staycation for her: Stay at a nice hotel where she can’t be reached. Workout. Have mimosas with her girls. Brunch. Have pool time that includes the concierge coming by to put sand under her toes to give the illusion of a beach. Nap. Get a massage. Check out a Lifetime movie. Take a shopping trip to buy a large hat and new flip-flops. Meet up with me for a nice dinner and some lovin’. Partake in bad karaoke with her girls. Attend a dance party with her girlfriends and a traveling gay dance troupe. Go to bed.

Essentially, the two of us would meet up for dinner, have an intimate moment and then go back to our respective places. Works for me!

It doesn’t mean that we don’t want to spend time together. It is just, for now, the time and a place in our life. We’ll spend more time together when we are retired swingers living at The Villages in Florida. For right now, this would be our perfect staycation in Austin, Texas.

By the way, our daughter is not staycationing with us. She is vacationing with a friend because she quit talking to us a year ago and won’t be talking to us until she’s asking for a car in three years.