To Be or Not To Be: Is Motherhood Right for You?

Making a carefully considered choice.

By Kristen Heaney, Illustration By Jessica Wetterer

On my first and last Tinder date with a handsome and successful local entrepreneur, the conversation flowed easily. We met at Seventh Flag Coffee Co. on South First Street, and enjoyed our time enough to move our date downtown to Trace to enjoy the weather, a refreshing cocktail and more get-to-know-you conversation. My date shared that he was divorced with two kids, both teens. He was admittedly never in love with their mother. I nodded, listened. I smiled. I understood.

Then it’s my turn.

“Got any kids?”

“Nope.” 

“Ever been married?”

“Nope, never have.”

“Engaged?”

“Well, unless you count my high-school boyfriend’s proposal in a dorm room with no ring in hand when we were 19, the answer is still no.”

I see the next question coming, the one that often follows and typically goes something like this: “How is it possible that a girl like you isn’t married yet?” My well-intentioned date, a man who had just admitted he didn’t require love for his first marriage, asked the question with a bit less tact.

“So, what’s wrong with you?”

The truth is, there is nothing wrong with me. I am just as perfect in my imperfection as anyone else. Look under my bed and you’ll find a crate for my beloved dog, more dust bunnies than I might like to admit and hopefully that stray sock. Look in my closet and you’ll find boxes of photographs from my studies abroad, a drafting table that I can’t yet part with and a pair of red patent leather pumps right next to my very worn navy-blue Vans.

Asking, “Do you want to be a mother?” is not the same as asking, “Do you prefer room for cream in your Americano?” It’s not something I just forgot to check off a list. And let’s say that I did. “Don’t worry,” you might say, “just freeze your eggs.” Freeze my eggs?! For what, and who and when? My eggs are doing just fine all warm and cozy right where they belong, to me, in me.

Do I want to be a mother? Yes. But giving birth to a child isn’t just about me. Choosing to be a mother means having the right partner to share my child with, not just for the shared responsibility but, far more importantly, for sharing in the joy of experiencing a being that you have created together out of love. I may not ever be graced with that experience, and you know what? That’s OK.

What I know for sure is that I will continue to honor my inner wis- dom, no matter what. I am love, loved and loving. Enter my life and I will love you deeply. Come into my home and I will feed you well. Fall down and I will pick you up. I will give you my shoulder when you need to cry. I will be your biggest cheerleader and I will celebrate your greatest success. Motherhood is a way of being.

Is motherhood right for me? Absolutely, yes!

Kristen Heaney is an entrepreneur and architect living in Austin with her beloved dog, Venkman.

More! “To Be or Not to Be a Mother” was one of our most popular topics to date. For more reader-submitted essays, visit austinwomanmagazine.com.

July’s Last Word topic will be “What Makes Austin different From Any Place You’ve Ever Lived?” To be considered, email a 500-word submission by June 1 to submissions@awmediainc.com.