Memo from JB: The Company Party
Happy holidays from the usual suspects
It’s that time of year again when we all head to the gratuitous work holiday party. yea! I don’t mean to bring everyone down, but I’ve been around long enough to know that certain things always ring true with company holiday parties.
First, the invitation will come considerably late, leaving you little chance that it will fit in to your social calendar. This will leave almost 0 percent chance for those needing a babysitter. It will most likely be at an odd location on an off night because booking it at a presentable place was overlooked. So you might find yourself on a Sunday night at a shooting range or Build-A-Bear under the guise of it being super fun.
More than likely, it will be in the back room of a mediocre hotel or restaurant that was popular in the ’70s. The HR person will have a lovely, decorated welcoming table to distribute you $500 in fake poker chips and two drink tickets for you and your date. There won’t be much clarity on attire, so you’re likely to show up semi-formal, only to find it’s a Western theme at a pool hall just off the highway.
Most holiday parties have the same cast of usual suspects, regardless of what you do for a living, unless you’re an Uber driver.
There is always that awkward moment when your spouse is talking to your work spouse. You know how a lot of people jokingly have a work husband/wife? That’s all pretty funny until you are all standing there staring at each other, drinking egg nog, wondering if you are, in fact, swingers.
Then there is always the instance of talking to that woman your wife swears is trying to sabotage her at work, which you always disregard, that is until you talk to that co-worker for five minutes and then you are like, “Holy s@#&, she really is trying to sabotage you!”
There is the inappropriate cocktail-sipping sexual-harassment guy, who is working the room and never fails to deliver. Perhaps you can make a drinking game out of his tasteless remarks.
There is the intern who acts like he should be running the company.
There will be an emotional basket case that starts crying halfway into a glass of wine. The person that assumes the role of company mom will spend her evening consoling her.
There will always be one over-served person. He probably went to the party store and got every potential color ticket for drinks. It will create a scene when his spouse tries to get him to leave.
There will be the woo-woo girl that brings her stripper girlfriend and treats the company get- together like a wild night in Vegas. All the wives will make a mental note, trust me.
It will be entertaining watching the two co-workers who sneak off to have sex every day at lunch and think no one knows what they are up to. They can’t help but awkwardly grind.
There are entertaining things to like:
- The boss’ speech about what a successful year it has been, despite hearing a daily beatdown about how the numbers are way off
- The handing out of etched-glass awards, giving recognition to those who are overworked and underpaid in hopes they won’t quit
- Guess what. Later, there’s karaoke, and you will likely exist on YouTube forever.
Happy Holidays!
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