Memo From JB: Leader of the Pack
Be an alpha parent with tips from a dog book.
My wife and i are pet lovers, but we have always had unruly dogs, the kind that lunge, growl at strangers and dominate the house. years ago, we added to our stable a pet pig, who is bossy, grumpy and doesn’t listen to a word we say. We always wrote it off as rescue animals that must have had bad lives before we got them, or that they are just wired that way.
Our daughter just turned 14, and it sometimes feels the same way. The house revolves around her. We’re not in charge and we’re wondering what the heck happened because the rescue-adoption scenario doesn’t apply.
Fast-forward to one month ago, when we sold our home, moved into something temporary and had to displace our animals with friends and family. We got reports back that seem too good to be true. Our large, aggressive dog is with a friend who is now taking her to dog parks, the trail or to a restaurant—things we were never able to do. My sister reports that our pet pig is sweet, follows her around the yard, comes in the house at night and has no accidents inside. Our jaws are on the floor. Our temporary house has no fenced-in yard, so we have found ourselves walking the little dog several times a day, training him, working on barking at birds or whatever seems to set the yappy little guy into a rage.
My epiphany: They all got some training, some discipline, stricter boundaries and they are all doing better. We were the problem all this time. I felt like an idiot. The more important realization was that the same attention and boundaries for animals apply to kids as well. It’s the same damn thing!
At some point, I rushed to the kitchen junk drawer to get a pamphlet that one of the numerous dog trainers through the years had left us. It’s called Leader of the Pack. It’s about a 10-minute read. It includes simple principles and rules to get your dog to consider you the leader. As I read through it again, I did one simple thing: I replaced the word “dog” with “kid(s)” and the words “alpha dog” with “parent(s).” Here’s what happened.
Why we need to be the leader of the pack:
Kids operate on a social structure of rank, a hierarchy. If your kid leads you, then you follow. When it comes time to command the kid, she won’t take you seriously if she believes she is No 1.
Your kid should earn everything, work for a living just like we do. If she learns to earn, then she won’t expect everything for free.
Control all entertainment resources. If at any time your kid protects a toy or tries to control the situation, remove the toy and put it away for the day.
Have her move out of your way a few times a day. If your kid is lying down in a hallway, walk through her by gently shuffling your feet until she gets up and moves.
Control access to all openings. This forces your kid to look up at you for guidance, checking in to see what is next.
Always make your kid complete a few commands before letting her go. Reward your kid if she responds the right away.
Do not let your kid jump on you or others, ever. It is a very rude way of greeting and is also associated with dominance.
Do not let your kid take positions above you. Kids have a literal sense of hierarchy. If she is up, looking down at you, she will feel more dominant. The parent should never let that happen unless it is invited.
Never let your kid bite you. If your kid puts her teeth on you, give her a sharp verbal correction (“Eh-eh” or “No”) and then disengage for a few hours.
Continue obedience training throughout your kid’s life. It should be a part of a daily routine.
Kids want us to step up as the pack leader. Kids instinctually know who is strong and who can best lead them. A parent is concerned for the pack, not for himself. It’s an unselfish role and an instinctual role, just like human parenting.
You need to earn your kid’s trust, loyalty, love and respect before she will look to you as her leader, and you do this by giving her clear boundaries, rules, limitations and conditioning good behavior.
As much as this little experiment pained me to discover, it is absolutely true. I have been failing as a leader for most of my life. This silly little pamphlet is now my guidebook and constant reminder, not just for our pets, but also for our daughter.
2016 is the year I finally become the leader of the pack! (Cue Indiana Jones music!)
Photo courtesy of JB Hager.
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